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Creator Bios
Actor Bios
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The Simpsons FamilyGuest StarsThe SchoolTownspeople
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Waylon Smithers

Waylon Smithers

How many people can say they love their jobs as much as Waylon Smithers? As the personal assistant to C. Montgomery Burns, Smithers enjoys an intimacy with power that most people will never experience. His responsibilities include driving Mr. Burns, peddling him on a tandem bike, cleaning and maintaining his denture collection (including Burns' prized fang dentures) and calling employees into Burns' office to be fired. Outside of work, Smithers spends his time collecting Malibu Stacy dolls, using his computer (with its Mr. Burns screensaver) and going on vacation at men's singles resorts. His greatest ambition is for Mr. Burns to respond to his loving devotion; short of that, he'd like to own the latest life-size Malibu Stacy outfit.

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This is not a library! Hee, hee. I'm hardly ever sick at sea! Come back, big diaper! I'm gonna sit at home and ogle the ladies in the Victoria's Secret catalog...alright, Sears Catalog Gee, I dunno Way to go, Homer. Bee stings cause me to, uh, die. Release the hounds. Uh, wallet inspector. Who shot who in the what now? Argh! Silence!  You're talking too loud! What about the children! Hi-dilly-ho! This is not a library! We're gonna need pretzels. I'm hardly ever sick at sea! D'oh! My special little guy. What about the children! Ow, my freakin' ears! Happy God! Happy God! Hi-dilly-ho! Oh, I think I'm having a flashback. Yes, mother. We're gonna need pretzels. D'oh! My special little guy. I'm going to my room. suck, suck... Ay Carumba! roof, roof... cough... MacGyver! I do. My story begins in nineteen-dickety-two. We had to say 'dickety' cause the Kaiser had stolen our word  'twenty', I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles. Oh, I think I'm having a flashback. Yes, mother. She's faking it. I 'ate yer dog. Man, my pants are chafing. Huh, huh. Haw, haw! Hey Simpson, tell your mother her cookies suck! Hey, hey! Excelsior! Everything's coming up Milhouse! Fatty, fat-fat-fat! I bent my wookie.