Original Air Date: 02/13/00

Have I mentioned that I love money? I love the way it smells. I love the way it feels. I love…okay, I swore I would stop that. The point is I have a giant wad of cash from babysitting. I did the math, and I was getting paid more per hour than my parents for doing nothing. The kids were in bed by eight! I have to find a job like that when I'm an adult.

There are so many ways I could spend this money, but I think I may save it because I don't think I'll be getting any more real soon. I can't believe I'm saying this, but my family's actually kind of cool. At least, compared to the Inksters, who are big, fat liars. They had this big house with all this food and gave me tons of money, but it turns out that they're a bunch of phonies. Which sucks because I really trusted them. I thought I was part of the family. Tonight I discovered that all this time, they've had a Nannycam spying on me. What kind of family spies on each other?

Not that my family's any picnic. This week we officially became white trash. I knew we were teetering on the brink, but I didn't think it would happen overnight. The house had to be tented, so we were staying in a tiny trailer on the lawn. It was like sleeping in an oven and don't get me started about pork and beans night. All of a sudden, my parents were screaming at each other, and dad was sleeping on the lawn in his underwear. One thing about my family, though: No matter how weird they get, at least I always know who they are.

By the way, why did Francis want to know how to attach a head to a dead body?